“For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.”—Isaiah 55:12 (via rowlewis)
Subjective perception is the mortal enemy of the silently tortured mind. Yes, I do believe I’m finally coming to grips with losing my mind. Or rather admitting it has long been lost. My psych minor hasn’t aided me because I spend much of my free time self-diagnosing or diagnosing everyone around. The mind is a beautiful, wonderful, fragile, resilient, and mysterious thing.
How must we sing thy praises
When in the midst of the pit
The bottom is endless
How shall we come up for air?
Lord I don’t feel enough to care
Nor care enough to feel
My heart is nowhere to be found
All I know is what my mind is telling
How shall we find you when ourselves we cannot find?
Unless you pull me from this darkness, this pit will be home
Death will be the only taste on my lips
I have memories of your sweet honey pouring over
Yet my memories I cannot trust
In enemy territory I slumber
My eyes are blind and my ears deaf as stone
Smite me where I sit or breathe
Your sweet breath back into my lungs
May I never taste this despair again
I have no compass nor map
Only a broken heart to cry out with.
Tis all I can muster
May it suffice
Lord I am empty of all but this:
A memory of your kiss
Fading like a shadow or flower in the midst of desert
Hasten to me while there are beats in this heart
While there is hope enough to cry out
May it be enough
May it be enough
May it be enough
Come sweet Jesus, come
Come so the dark will flee
Call me to the flock
Give strength to these legs to return
Til then I’m lost in thought
Disconnected from all and every thing
Spinning spiraling fading yet hoping
I’ve stopped the whole social media thing because I felt an overwhelming need to waste my time. I’ve found that I have no more time now than I did then. Doesn’t quite add up but life seems to speed up uncontrollably if you let it. Pretty soon you’re heading some unknown place at a pace that’s just too fast. Another thing I noticed of myself is the importance I placed on people noticing me. I think I have succeeded in removing myself from the loop and am on my way to becoming a distant memory to many I once held dear. Sometimes it’s hard to live with the messes you’ve made and messes you didn’t but still ran from. Really every time I say you, i mean me. Shame is pretty unusual now that I think of it, it reveals the power we give over other people to effect how we feel and how we see ourselves. Perhaps I’ve said this all to said I’m searching for something and hopefully I’ve found it or will.
I am not the culmination of the things I own. I am not defined by what I have not. Life is more than food and things. When I am found wanting I shall rejoice, in abundance I shall rejoice. Give me neither riches nor poverty.
In the quiet I wait and listen
The 6 a.m. Drizzle light and rhythmic
I am awake
I wonder what today will bring
And Why the stillness of this hour doesn’t stay
The monsters lay in beds asleep
But For now we are safe
My neighbors haven’t awoken
To their sad miserable existence
They spend their days in
Smoking cigs they can’t afford
Cussing at children they don’t deserve
They pity themselves
Blood in their teeth
Violent words on their lips
Worse than the exhaust of
CFCs AND DDTs
The murderers of peace
Far too often people focus on doing the right sort of thing instead of being the right sort of person. Be true to yourself. Who you are flows out into the things you do. Doing things to be someone else is counterintuitive. A friend of mine quotes Socrates often saying “An unexamined life is not worth living” Stop pretending and just simply be. Find yourself. Wherever and whoever that may be.
It’s 4 a.m. I should be asleep. Clearly I’m awake. Wide awake. My mind is racing constantly and I don’t know where to or from. I might be going a little crazy or perhaps every one in their right mind questions everything at different times. I wish I could have waited until I woke up to think. Night and morning are the quietest for me. It’s where my thoughts aren’t plagued by the distractions of social media, noises, and people. It’s the quiet moments that my mind gets to process and deal with all the things I shrug off so I can move forward in my day. I’m hoping my insomnia stops rearing it’s ugly head back in my life. I rather enjoy sleep. I enjoy not being cranky and hating everyone. Thinking about how little sleep I’ll get tonight frustrates me. I’m frustrated with myself now. Good morning to you.